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12:54 AM - November 14, 2013
No Turning Back
It's your turn to watch me go.
4:52 PM - November 10, 2013
Petunias
I do love her, but there will always be that intelligence barrier that seperates us. I could never look up to her, or respect her knowing it's willful ignorance. All the things she let happen have made me spiteful, and all the things that didn't happen because she hovered. My inaction kills me during these times. She has a good heart I know, but her flaws have ruined me in youth, and now we will both suffer. I will not play nice, simply because I am supposed too.
6:04 PM - November 09, 2013
Sailors' Wives
I wish I could believe in something else, but when I see you, I still believe in fate. I think God is cruel for taunting me with you, when everything else may be falling apart. Yet I can't seem to blame anyone but myself for all the chances I never took.
1:12 PM - October 29, 2013
Wringing Hands
Debating on whether or not i should tell mom it might be mini strokes, and scaring her into going in. My worst fear is that it could be Parkison's with all the tremors, and the sudden onset.
7:46 PM - October 21, 2013
One More Day
The life I want is beyond these hills, and I can't put off the climb much longer. Your company is preferable, but I can still go on without you. I probably will.
9:47 PM - October 17, 2013
Clear Coat
What I really want is this; someone I do not have to be careful with.
9:19 AM - October 17, 2013
Cold Shoulder
The moment i admit i still felt the draw, the attraction i once had for you, it will become real and that terrifies me. I do not want to believe in impossible things. I do not want to hope, because we both know i will.
9:39 AM - October 13, 2013
Pull Away
It has nothing to do with not wanting to go, because it seems like he's trying to get back with the woman who pushed my nephew down the stairs when she was drunk and all the other shit that goes down when they are together. I do not have such noble reasons, though I do feel strongly about that. I just don't feel like playing family, with people who pretend not to see. I do not feel that obligation mom does. I do not want to be disappointed.
10:08 PM - October 07, 2013
Brush
So running across the highway like that was stupid I will admit, and a couple more inches and I would of been hit. Perhaps a step or two behind. I've never been fond of chicken, but it seems like my whole life has been a series of near misses. You're all just speeding past.
10:09 PM - October 01, 2013
Flight Response
For all the running I do, I never seem to get very far.
1:50 AM - September 23, 2013
U And I And Them
I'm throwing myself into my work so I don't have to think about anything but making notes and writing formulas, because I will. And it's getting to that point where the words are beginning to lose letters and my head hurts, but at least I can sleep.
4:47 PM - September 19, 2013
Substitute
It's that whole oversharing thing, when you feel the need to create a bond from nothing and keep on going. I keep reminding myself not to get attached, to slow down, to watch my words.
9:54 PM - September 17, 2013
Glitz
I never gleam, not like some of the other girls at school.
6:58 PM - September 17, 2013
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"To feel it could never be this way,
She knew who she was and wasn't then" -Blur, Parabelle
11:43 PM - September 10, 2013
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Sage almost drowned earlier, when he slipped in his little tub and panicked. I barely managed to get him breathing again.
12:29 AM - September 07, 2013
Anchors
All I want right now is stability, and knowing that tomorrow will be exactly as today was.
10:37 PM - September 03, 2013
I'm standing there nervous as hell, hoping to get a student grant so I can go back to school. Trying to act confident in my desperation and this lady is being a bit of a bitch, so I'm struggling to answer her. My sheilds are going up, and I'm closing off when her tone suddenly changes and I'm stuck in panic mode, trying to remain coherent. I realise later as I'm leaving i told her I was 23 instead of 22, and wonder how much more I could fucked up. I just want everything to be okay, and not have to worry about every little thing. I don't want to have to worry at all. I just want this to be over with.
9:58 PM - September 03, 2013
Liquid Courage And Gasoline
There are times, as fucked up as my sister is I wish I could be like her.
1:30 AM - August 28, 2013
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Get her drunk, make her feel human and she just might survive.
1:30 AM - August 28, 2013
Little Deaths
I can't seem to hold onto anything lately. I bounce like hail hitting the ground, and melt not to long after, always losing my shape. Never fully belonging to the heavens or the earth below, I cycle the air inbetween. I don't know how else to describe this feeling, or how to properly convey it. I'm not even sure if they are the right words, but I needed to say something. I just know that I do not belong here.
3:49 AM - July 31, 2013
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So I admit, I'm still thinking about his death. They said he wedged his bike between the truck and trailor, but how much more damage did they do when they moved him off the road to let others pass? I understand the practicality behind it of coarse, but would never of done the same. To hold a dying man terrifies me, and I think of another coughing up his stomach. I guess it doesn't matter any more, our conversations are over.
3:34 AM - July 31, 2013
My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma
Things just happen, weither you deserve them or not. All you can do is hope for the best, and struggle past the rest.
1:45 AM - July 28, 2013
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I'm not good at asking for things and I never will be, so I won't.
6:36 PM - July 26, 2013
Guillotine
You are a fool and I am an even bigger one, because I love you still.
2:30 AM - July 12, 2013
Struggling
The lack of words here bothers me sometimes, and how little I write now. I don't even bother to check the site daily any more, which is terrible because I do love reading you guys. I will be back in time, but first I have to find a reason to write again and a reason to be here.
10:42 PM - June 20, 2013
Real Tears
She's terrified of me saying something, and I know that eventually I may have too.
9:56 PM - May 16, 2013
Uncomfortably Numb
Sometimes it gets to me and I can't do nothing about it, so I go a little crazy.
8:53 PM - May 07, 2013
The Favor
The thing is, this is your last chance and I'm not about to give you another one. I don't care if you are family, or someone I love. I either matter or I don't.
8:17 PM - May 05, 2013
The Cost Of Imitations
The other day we were walking uptown and I saw a women that looked like my sister. I have a hard time telling the difference between women normally, let alone when they dress and act a like. Perhaps I glared or her friend caught me staring, because she raised her voice and said "we could take her" as they were getting in their car. I was immediately insulted, and then annoyed. It's not my fault they lack creativity and the ability to act upon it.
1:22 AM - May 04, 2013
Grasping At Straws
Because the things that matter to me, don't matter to you and it breaks my heart.
8:50 AM - April 20, 2013
Another Long Day
There are rare days when i wake up and can't force a happy ending upon my dreams, because it just doesn't feel right. I know that i will never be happy there, in their arms or in those instances. It strikes me as hopeless.
9:08 PM - April 12, 2013
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We are playing a cowards game, with words and very few actions.
9:08 PM - March 19, 2013
Fallout
I gave myself a year to escape and all it did was make me angrier with the world, and with the people around me. I can only see the worst when I look up from my books, my reading, and my games. It bothers me greatly. I know there are still things worthwhile, still beautiful, but I am sick at heart. You are disappointing me I think.
1:59 AM - March 11, 2013
Wallow
Sometimes i don't want to be a better person.
6:00 PM - March 03, 2013
Greener Grass Syndrome
Part of me wants to believe that people can change, but i honestly don't. We can pretend too, or even alter the way we think about things, but underneath we are all the same. Influence only goes so far. Our faults define us, and our actions.
8:44 PM - March 02, 2013
Can't Stop
My heart betrays me.
12:25 AM - February 22, 2013
Stand Off
The angry little girl is back. And her back is against the wall, my hand pressed against her mouth, elbow jutting out. We are standing closer
and she is reaching for my throat, eyes defiant. Her lips are getting colder and i shiver. We understand each other perfectly, we just aren't sure who we are mad at more.
1:46 PM - January 31, 2013
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It's been a long time since i've trusted myself to speak.
1:50 AM - January 28, 2013
Pine
Today i am twenty-two, and i honestly thought i would be dead by now.
9:34 AM - January 17, 2013
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The Bird would of called me on in, for using a cause to raise questions and take the attention away from me. I'm good at it. I just don't want to talk about me, because there's nothing new to say.
9:25 AM - January 17, 2013
Angle
You could also argue that violence is violence, and where it stems from doesn't matter. There will always be someone willing to take it to far.
1:54 AM - January 17, 2013
Thinking Aloud
We get it, you're angry and you're looking for someone to blame, but video games did not kill your son, a person did. They made the choice to do it, and no one forced them to. You can look into shooters all you want, but our world is a violent place. Everywhere you look you will find it, the soaps you see on tv, the music you blast out your radios and in the bruises you pretend not to notice. Whatever made him do it, it wasn't any single thing, because it takes alot to push a person that far. And if he was a sociopath/psychopath, then that is what you should be worrying about.
2:05 PM - December 26, 2012
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And in the morning i'm making excuses for you, as i always have.
10:39 PM - December 25, 2012
The Lies We Tell Ourselves
What gets me is this, i spend hours shopping for the right gift and making sure you will like it and am disappointed every time i open one of mine. I do not expect expensive things, but i do expect more than this will have to do and regifted items you do not care for. It honestly pisses me off, and breaks my heart. I did not get one thing i liked, or even found practical. Neither mom or i bought real presents for each other, so that we could buy things properly for you guys. And i cannot be thankful for this, no matter how i pretend, nor say anything aloud. I do not mean to be ungrateful, but i am. I am also upset.
5:55 PM - December 25, 2012
Found Lacking
My heart betrays me, and i have to remember to smile.
12:11 AM - December 22, 2012
The Fix
My sister does love her kids, it's just that she loves herself more.
11:48 PM - December 21, 2012
Unto
It's hard not to look at my friends with children and wonder what i would be like as a mother. I also see my sister's and cringe.
9:41 PM - December 20, 2012
Oleander
When she saw my results, her whole body language changed and the next time i took the test i made sure that they were different. The boy across from me was the only one who knew, his eyes dancing with silent mirth.
11:31 PM - December 06, 2012
Cardinal
I'm not sure what you expect me to say. That the last couple months have been more bad days then good, and it's getting to me? That the person i want to be, the most honest form of me, would destroy nearly every relationship i have? That no matter how much i love myself and care for those which i consider mine, i will always have to settle? That no matter what i do, this cowards heart will lead me astray?
10:48 PM - December 06, 2012
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B is for bored, so shut the fuck up and do something about it.
to haunt, to startle, and way-lay
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