6:51 AM - August 17, 2016
Scales, Hearts And Feathers
I wrote an entry on my phone months ago that i didn't have the guts to post here.

About how everything i write sounds more and more like a goodbye, and how beautiful those words are to me. That they still bring tears to my eyes.

Lately all i seem to do is air my grievances here, and dedicate entries to the worst aspects of my personality. Some times messages for people after i am gone, explanations. Things i want them to know, some that that i don't.

Things i write when there are more bad days than good. When hope is hard to hold on.

When i am angry, when i am tired.

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5:45 AM - August 17, 2016
Rubbed Raw
There are very few things that excite me lately, and one of them is being able to use free wifi. I spent hours making a list of anime episodes to download on my phone, so it would be quick and then had them all fail. Then i had a worker from the store comment repeatedly how long it was taking me to shop and about what i had in my cart when i was trying to get some of what i wanted downloaded. Twenty six out of a hundred and twelve.

It is still bothering me hours later. Even swimming at the beach with my nephew earlier could not draw my mind from this. I could probably use the wifi at the library i know, but i have a hard time entering unfamiliar places. It's even harder since they moved to a shared building.

I hate this feeling, and despise not having access to data that is not connected to my phone's plan.

I miss so many things...

10:31 AM - August 12, 2016
The Heart That Follows
Usually i try to leave first, because they always do and i am torn between hurt and envy.

12:53 AM - August 12, 2016
Hearts That Lead
I cried because it was inevitable.

3:22 AM - August 03, 2016
Guarded Hearts
Honestly what i wrote on facebook was meant to be a passive-aggressive bitch slap.

You complain about our sister's children getting preferential treatment when you blindly ignore the fact you are doing the same for your own, just because you birthed them.

They come first. And there is nothing wrong with that, except of how often you are patting yourself on the back for taking in two others and saying you treat them like they are your own.

It is unacceptable. You cannot do that and expect your family to be a cohesive unit. The children aren't stupid, they pick up cues from you and take it out on each other. They know. They get jealous. They act out. Feel hurt.

I kinda hope it stings when you read it. That you see some of yourself in it and recognise it.

I only want the best for them, though i'm hardly close to your own.

9:43 AM - August 01, 2016
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Maybe i am being to hard on my sister. The kids have behavioural issues, and they are scarred emotionally and often difficult. Some days even i say something to them. Maybe she is harder on them, because Dad wan't hard enough on their mother. That one day she fears my niece may end up like her mom. I wish that she would explain.

I wish my neice was more honest, less afraid to tell the truth. I wish she were able to explain how she felt to A without emotional outbursts, without resentment or fear of punishment. I wish my elder sister questioned herself more. I wish she would consider how the children feel. How hard it is for them as well.

There are times i see myself in both of the kids, more than in my sister. My nephew is closer in personality to me. My neice shares more of my interests.

All i want for them is to be people worthy of love. For them to be happy, and able to function like reasonable human beings.

4:09 AM - July 29, 2016
Rabid Honey Badger
I struggle. Each time i leave the house I find it harder to function in the outside world.

Having to deal with strangers, with people I am no longer close too. People I no longer know.

Facing all the things that scare me, that leave me standing at the cross-walk indecisive.

3:44 AM - July 28, 2016
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For years I have defended you when you said you were being a terrible friend, made excuses for you but I can't anymore. Not when it is a concious choice, and not when it is an acceptable one.

4:45 AM - June 27, 2016
Corrosion
It's all air and metal, and all i do is rust.

3:29 PM - June 19, 2016
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So i found out a couple of days ago that my sister was admitted to the hospital with severe jaundice and parts of her body collapsing into itself at the injection sites. Her veins useless.

She told a family friend it was because yellow paint fell on her, and i'm not going to lie i laughed. Like me, she's never expected to live this long. And now her body is failing her, just as her mind has.

My heart goes out to the kids though, and i'm glad they haven't been told. To have to watch that increasing decline... They don't need that. I hope they don't find out until the end.

That's harsh i know, but they have seen enough. Suffered because of her choices. They finally have a chance at a normal childhood, or what's left of it. I don't want to see that end.

Her probation officer told our elder sister that if she doesn't quit now, she has maybe six months left.

And i have no hope for her. I don't think any of us do.

12:59 AM - June 09, 2016
Social Creatures
Walking through the world like people are simply obstacles makes it easier, atleast until you have to remember their humanity, amd your own.

12:53 AM - June 09, 2016
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You can hold my wrists down, but the moment you bring out the rope i am gone. To give someone that much power over me is not something i can do, no matter how much i trust them. I will never feel safe. Even if it is mearly a metaphorical matter.

1:11 PM - May 14, 2016
Lava
Sometimes i forget to explain my thought processes, or explain in full. Sometimes i just suck at explaining. It is one of my worst habits, my worst faults.

Today my nephew told me not to believe every thing i read online, that i should read more books. I was torn between offense and pride, but leaning more towards the latter.

Not all books are up to date, or reliable either is what i sould of said, but all i did was smile at him. Then i wondered if some one had told him that, and ended up shrugging. It doesn't really matter.

I am proud of him.

I hope he never stops questioning people.
Does all he can to learn more about the things he loves. Grows more curious.

8:00 AM - April 30, 2016
Struggle
"I had everything. But the truth is, nobody gets everything. We get what we love most. Sometimes it's just hard to know what it is." -Finn, Bones

11:26 PM - April 29, 2016
Eviction Notice
And what would you do if you didn't have us? If you couldn't rely on us? Would you still be making the same decisions?

Because i do get it, but each year it seems like he needs more and more time alone with you.

And as much as i love Aunty, it isn't up to us.

9:48 AM - April 29, 2016
Clear
"Now the lines are drawn" -Everchanging, Rise Against

9:34 AM - April 29, 2016
The Lines Are Drawn
I did what i thought was right. I feel better. Mostly.

I'm just tired of feeling unloved. Of having to be the person they expect, when they don't meet my own expectations.

I'm tired of being taken advantage of, of people taking advantage of my empathy.

1:59 PM - April 28, 2016
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I spent years waiting for someone to tell me i had every right to be angry, to feel any negative emotion at all.

And i was. I hated people. How they could be so blind to the things i could easily see. The patterns they followed mindlessly. Never questioning. How they failed to understand others, to understand me. Were never as critical of themselves as others, as i was.

And now i'm too tired to be.

All i am is disappointed.

7:02 PM - April 26, 2016
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Well atleast the three of them have a common enemy to bond over. I may feel like shit, but atleast i don't have to hold my tongue anymore. I don't have to pretend.

9:35 PM - April 25, 2016
Janus
K,

You made it my business when you came crying to me, never forget that.

I finally got to say half of what i have been wanting to. And I'm hoping it hurt, because it was hard to say. I hope it made you think.

I hope it made you wonder about what i didn't say. What i haven't.

I'm an ass, but i am someone who loves you. Who doesn't want to love any one and still does. Who thinks he's shit for you, and still supports his side as well.

If your angry, well.. I can't be that person anymore. That person who just ignores what should be said. That let's you get away, absolved and ignorant.

When Caroline died, we lost that.

Maybe it's time someone took her place.

10:03 AM - April 07, 2016
Penny Rollers
Sometimes i wonder if the girl is idealising the man, forgetting all that he was. I wonder if she would of still felt the same way she does now had he lived, or if it would of would of been tinged with what i feel for my father.

I do know this though, he would of loved her.

9:10 AM - April 07, 2016
Fuck Cancer Stickers
I've been staring at the same posts over and over, just by different people.

And what i think is that it comes down to this.

People are stupid, they forget. Not the pain of losing someone, but the fact that the person you are looking at right now, could be dead in the next few moments.

That it is the regret that gets you.

We look at each other and make passing gestures, but how far do we go out of our way to show our dear ones that they really matter?

We forget that ghosts are the things they left behind.

The things that make you smile, make you want to drive your fist into the wall so that there is some other pain, or simply rage at their graves.

We forget that someday we will be someone else's ghosts.

So ask yourself, what do you want them to remember?

8:42 AM - April 07, 2016
Adjectives
All those little things, i need them.

11:49 AM - March 17, 2016
Red Balloons
You never get to see me at my best anymore.

9:11 AM - March 16, 2016
Darnel
She could only ever meet those needs, so that's is all i asked of her. It does not means i did not want the others met. It does not mean i didn't expect more.

11:23 AM - March 03, 2016
Old Conversations
"Be the bigger person."

"No, I spent most of my life having to be the better person, and i'm sick of it! All it does is make me angrier. And if i don't do something, she will never learn. She will keep making the same mistakes. She will hurt someone else."

I can still hear the disgust in my voice, the conviction and the anger. That was the moment that our friendship ended. Sometimes i wish i missed it more.

11:51 AM - February 25, 2016
Loosely Knotted Ribbons
My mother has a good heart and she means well most of the time. It is one of the better things she passed on to us. The narcissistic tendencies she also passed on much less so.

10:17 AM - February 25, 2016
Agitation
What i want to say is this:

I'm not sure if it was you or my ex-bestfriend who betrayed me to that counselor. Who made a woman i adored doubt me, and to think the worst of me for more than a moment. It still hurts now, those betrayals. It stings my pride but i can look you both in the eye without anger, without expecting more.

I'm still annoyed about the drugs you gave mom. The ones that made her act out, that let her think she could treat me like shit, and not expect a negative response. That either of you wouldn't.

The fact you never forced her to see my side of things, when you expected me to do exactly that. To cater to her whims as you do because she raised me.

Knowing that you will always choose her over me.

And the fact i still want my big brother back... Because i trusted him once, and could rely on him. That i loved him.

9:11 AM - February 25, 2016
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The words don't come as easily to me anymore, or as often. The sentences are harder to form, and what i want to say without revealing to much is almost impossible.

2:29 AM - February 16, 2016
Wound Collecters
It's not forgiveness, but it's as close as someone like me can get to it.

1:22 AM - January 28, 2016
Yellow Carnations, Striped
I've been counting down the days until my birthday, feeling melodramatic because of my thoughts. Most of which involve death, bubblebath and collecting pokemon cards. I hope this year, i do more than survive.

3:12 PM - January 27, 2016
Rosa Canina
This anxiety is killing me, all the undeserved and useless guilt. The anger was easier to deal with. But i like her more, as strange as that sounds, this person who is suffering.

9:28 AM - January 22, 2016
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Sometimes i wish you lived closer, could spare more time to visit me. Sometimes i'm afraid you've stopped caring, and are just going through the motions out of some misguided sense of obligation.

8:56 AM - January 22, 2016
Void
It's been a long time since i've felt safe, at true ease. I've been devouring books the last couple months, over 16 a week, trying to keep my mind occupied, away from the truth. I'm not even sure if it's one thing, or anything at all, but it bothers me. It bothers me a lot.

8:48 AM - January 22, 2016
Rust
"There'll be oats in the water
There'll birds on the ground
There'll be things you never asked her
Oh how they tear at you now"
-Ben Howard, Oats In The Water

to haunt, to startle, and way-lay