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7:29 AM - May 03, 2017 4:10 AM - May 03, 2017 I do not have an open door policy anymore and I am not going to be there all the time, if they aren't for us. Mostly because we cannot afford to be, but also because I am tired of this bullshit. It isn't always about just what they want.
2:37 AM - May 02, 2017
4:16 AM - April 29, 2017 6:30 AM - April 28, 2017 6:18 AM - April 28, 2017 I'm afraid the belt on the furnace might be going now, and we are already short $70 with the rent increase and insurance. We are also still behind on the bills because of the Christmas presents we bought last year. I considered trying to get a job at the bar again, but as a bartender instead of housekeeping. I realised quickly it wouldn't work because I struggle to talk on phones, and would have to rent out rooms as well, which is a big thing in the summer months. Dealing with people on a regular basis is hell for me as well, let alone drunks. I feel trapped, and I'm am so tired of this, of being awake when I should be sleeping. mostly I just want things to go well for more than a few months. 9:20 PM - April 05, 2017 6:44 PM - March 24, 2017 He is happier though, and for that I am grateful. When I am with him though, it feels as it always has. I just wish he was around more, because he still means a lot to me. I am closer to him than my real brother, though I love them both the same. The way I love all things. Way to much, and even when I don't want too. 2:00 AM - March 24, 2017 My best friend is supposed to be coming tomorrow for the weekend and we don't have money to buy a new one for the next six days. I hate this. 11:12 PM - March 03, 2017 4:47 PM - February 24, 2017 It tooks me years to realise that. Hell, I am still trying to accept it. And if any of us took her in, she would still be complaining about one thing or another. She's at that point, where she just wants what she wants. At that independent stage where she thinks she knows it all, and that she deserves it. That all her choices are good decisions. And I know that often my elder sister is unfair. That the boys get away with a lot more, and many things get overlooked. She is trying though, and sometimes that is enough. Other times it isn't. I want my niece to be happy, and I am trying to explain. find the right words for the next time i see her. Something that will open her eyes, and comfort her. It won't fix the problem I know, but sometimes awareness helps. She is still niave after everthing she has went through, and I am not sure if I am grateful for this or not. Things are going to happen either way. I hope she does more than survive. 11:17 PM - February 12, 2017 12:53 PM - February 10, 2017 11:45 AM - February 10, 2017 That's probably why I am spending so much time here, because unlike them, diaryland is always available. It is always safe. It doesn't always comfort me, but always makes me feel less crazy. It offers relief. 11:30 AM - February 10, 2017 11:30 AM - February 10, 2017 Mom is supposed to be dealing with it today, as the insurance lady called and we were approved.She said they wanted the money, and mom said to cancel, we couldn't afford it and the lady said she couldn't. Said something about getting a void check. And of course, this is only what I've been told when mom woke me up so I may of missed more or she missed something in her frustration. She said she will deal with it on Monday, and apart of me is grateful, I'm exhausted but now it's going to bother me until then. 9:33 PM - February 05, 2017
2:30 AM - February 04, 2017 I think that is what my nephew is suffering from. He sees the way my sister spoils her sons, especially the one with a shortened life span and he can't help but want the same treatment. He sees his own sister moving on, being rewarded and finds himself stuck. Feels something twist in his gut. He sees the cake and cannot smile. Thinks this is not what he wanted. 8:43 PM - February 02, 2017 Trust me, i have tried. For hours, and days. Sometimes even years.
8:14 PM - February 01, 2017 8:14 PM - February 01, 2017 By Friday, we should have everything ready for the insurance people or atleast i hope so. Hopefully Mom will also make that appointment and follow through, so we will have back up if we have to move, or abandon this place. 2:57 PM - February 01, 2017 Mom got confused and then annoyed, and then finally had enough. Said to call the landlord, she knows more. We are renting to own, we don't own the place. Hoping the landlord doesn't try to start something, when mom is trying to do what they asked of her. And I am just so sick of this. Sick of the games, the lack of clarity and walking up in the cold for nothing. 12:14 AM - February 01, 2017 My first thought was how can i not? 12:14 AM - February 01, 2017 I doubt if we do get it and can afford it, that the plan will survive a home inspection. There isn't much we can do about that though, with no income for a new roof or furnace and no money to replace the places were water damage has ruined the ceiling. Mostly I will just be relieved to have this over with.
12:50 AM - January 31, 2017 12:48 AM - January 31, 2017 I wish he would of pulled through for us. I wish i didn't have to deal with any of this. I just want to be left alone with my books and access to the internet. I don't want to have to interact with people.
5:58 PM - January 28, 2017 2:16 PM - January 25, 2017 The last time we tried they cancelled it, and wanted us to pay 3 times as much every two weeks, and on mom's income, even living alone she couldn't afford it. Mostly i'm just hoping he does take her, so i don't have to go in with her. Strangers and an unfamiliar place are a really bad mix for me right now, and i am already anxious enough, and unable to stop worrying.
12:38 PM - January 18, 2017 Reacting to conflict in a reasonable matter has never been my strong suit. I am terrible when it comes to confronting things. I hide, avoid it and over think things. Hope i can come up with a solution that doesn't involve other people. I don't like being uncertain, or not knowing how things will unfold. I know eventually i will have no choice, that i will have to act. But for now, i just hope we can make it until the summer. 8:27 PM - January 07, 2017 Never rent to own from slum lords. It isn't worth the grief.
6:35 PM - December 28, 2016 9:39 PM - December 25, 2016 I am mourning. And it is not even a single loss that is causing it, but a series.
6:37 PM - December 20, 2016 I'm also afraid to spend much of it in case something goes wrong. Well, what i don't have to give up so the my niece and nephews can have money for presents, because that is what my sister said to get her kids. And i love shopping. I love being able to buy things that will make them smile, things that will be useful. But sometimes it hard having to sacrifice what i want to ensure everyone else has decent gifts. And it's not just once, but nearly every year. I get small things or things that are atleast thoughtful, but never what my heart desires. Many of my family like to say it's the thought that counts, but we all know that's bullshit. We smile and pretend, but in the end it does matter.
1:39 PM - December 19, 2016 Mom's blaming me again, and i am so sick of having to deal with these things. I'm tired. She doesn't worry the way i do, or think that far ahead and it fills me with dread, with envy. I read an article months ago about intelligence and happiness. That the smarter you are, the harder it was to attain and keep. And right now, all i can think about is how fleeting it is. How doomed i feel.
12:56 PM - December 11, 2016 I am also considering surrendering my bird, and it hurts. I have had him for over 9 years and adore him, but all i do is worry lately. I had a panick attack last night when he rubbed his eye on his perch and irritated it. I cannot keep doing this. I feel ashamed for even considering it, but i feel unfit and think he needs a better home. 2:19 PM - December 05, 2016 7:29 PM - December 03, 2016 7:26 PM - December 03, 2016 7:01 PM - November 26, 2016 8:37 PM - November 14, 2016 9:24 PM - November 04, 2016 The anger never goes away completely. Three things happen. You either become to tired to hold onto all of it, fall numb or let it consume you. 8:07 PM - November 04, 2016 I told her that the feeling will pass. That it will get better.
4:21 PM - November 02, 2016
1:09 AM - October 13, 2016 And I still remember the warning. What happened when the picture shattered. That man holds his life in his own hands, and weilds a cleaver like a butter knife. The edges dull, and blunted. And I keep thinking of that news story where another tried to saw through his leg with a steak knife. That it will not be a quick death. 8:26 AM - October 11, 2016 9:46 AM - September 25, 2016 A part of me is torn because of my vanity, because it is one of my best features and the other half is sneering. Saying you need to do this, before that feeling consumes you. Before you prove yourself right. Because something has to change. 9:51 AM - August 30, 2016 For most people this is an easily remedied issue. I am not one of them. I asked my best friend if they would go with me when they were able to visit. He never answered. I'm not even sure if he is still planning to come. The last few years it feels like the person i knew has abandoned me.
9:15 AM - August 30, 2016 How hard it is for me to function. To live. 7:17 AM - August 30, 2016 - 12:52 PM - August 29, 2016 2:13 PM - August 28, 2016 12:46 PM - August 23, 2016 11:47 PM - August 17, 2016
to haunt, to startle, and way-lay 
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