7:50 PM - January 17, 2018
"I'm well acquainted
With villains that live in my bed
They beg me to write them
So they'll never die when I'm dead."
9:25 PM - January 07, 2018
Throwing a third tantrum in an hour at fifty-six because your tired, and the person you are waiting up for isn't here is fucking ridiculous.
Parents shouldn't behave like this ever, and especially when you gave them the choice to stay in bed and wait until another day.
9:52 PM - January 05, 2018
I'm still the girl who glued googly eyes on all the houseplants to mess with you, and added tiny red bows to them for Christmas, because they weren't colourful enough. That part of me will never change, but the ability to make an effort has. To many things require to much of it now.
5:32 PM - December 27, 2017
In the end one of my families worst faults is they are rarely ever there when they say they are going to be, or are to fucked up to remember or care and one day they will regret it. I can live with my choices, but they will mourn theirs and spend the rest of the time trying to blame everyone but themselves.
9:44 PM - December 25, 2017
Run On For A Long Way
There are so many things I want to say, but every time I write them out, I almost always back track.
Most of them are observations, or things I'm worried about like the bang I hear earlier which might of been the element going for the second time this year, since it's not running loudly like it has the past week or the fact the cold water tap completely broke off in the shower two weeks ago.
Other times, it's about how envious I am of my friends family, especially around the holidays or how I'm going to turn down a guy nicely who's the son of a family friend I like, and who is an ways good to us.
How I'm trying to figure a way to take Mrs. M out for a movie date, because she took me to see It not long ago and she means the world to me, even if I don't always act like it because being around people is difficult for me.
Like today, when I just want to be in a happy atmosphere and my families being petty to each other, and acting on resentment or holding grudges and just being ridiculous. It reminds me why I try to avoid people, and how actively I avoid people's drama, for fear of being sucked in or having to deal with it.
And disappointment because my brother just got married and I wanted to get his wife's kids presents, but couldn't afford to get all the children them and feel that it isn't enough to just give them a bunch of homemade cookies and other sweets when they got us presents.
12:19 PM - December 24, 2017
I have always loved Mrs. M.
She is one of the people that remind me people can be good, that they are worth interacting with, even on the days when I struggle to do so.
6:43 PM - November 27, 2017
Gold Bands And Ruby Rings
Even now I can still turn heads, and that comforts me. I doubt I will ever be in a worthwhile relationship with my options around here, but it is good to know there is someone who finds you attractive. That there is that chance.
10:33 PM - November 25, 2017
It's rare for me to just want to lay in bed, and just stare at the ceiling. Watching the shifting of the light and shadow as my brain grows bored.
4:37 PM - November 18, 2017
I've been in pain daily for the last 6 weeks and have been going through bottles of pills, because I can't afford to get my teeth fixed and my anxiety is to bad to go into the offices for paperwork that could help. Mom doesn't understand how hard it is, and on the bad pain days like today, when I am near tears I honestly hate how thoughtless she is.
1:00 AM - October 20, 2017
In elementary school, I was always one of the largest kids in my class. And one day I was in the field, talking to some others and a teacher approached me from another grade. Started asking me why I was there and telling me I had to leave. My confusion over this made them even more hostile, and I have never forgotten that feeling. How unwelcome I felt.
I am pretty sure they eventually apologized, but that was the exact moment i stopped feeling safe there, that my anxiety really hit it's stride.
I can understand now why it happened but that experience has always stuck with me. Haunted me.
8:53 PM - October 18, 2017
I sent this text to my friend about a half hour ago.
"That's understandable, and it's hard not to when something like that happens.
There is never enough time though, not for all the things you want to do, the people you want to see.
All you can do is try, and when that doesn't work, sometimes a message will have to do or even a note saying I was thinking of you or about you.
In the end, all we are is someone else's memories. All we can hope for is to a good one."
I still believe that, and in those two questions.
"Did you bring joy?"
"Did you find joy?"
4:24 PM - October 07, 2017
K jumped down my throat and was quite rude when I offered to help, and later gave me shit for slamming the car door only to do the same the next time she got out. Sometimes it's the dirty looks that set me off or the constant forgetfulness (though some of it is real, but not all), and us being afterthoughts.
I struggle to bite my tongue, to look away and not cry over how ignorant she is. How blind.
And I let myself be angry, if only here.
11:29 AM - October 01, 2017
Two days have passed since the wedding, and I realised why I stuck so close to my nephew instead of visiting various clumps of family and friends. Talking to them, being around them just makes me feel more lonely. And it gets to me, so I try to avoid them and the feelings they instill.
3:20 PM - September 28, 2017
Mom doesn't want to go to my brothers wedding tomorrow and I'm making her and she's being bitch about it. That's all he wanted from mom, was to be there and that is my real gift to him, though he will probably never know.
8:30 PM - September 27, 2017
Sometimes I wish I had a significant other, but then I remember how much work relationships are.
8:23 PM - September 27, 2017
The thing is, as much as they run their mouths off they can't seem to make time to visit. If it really mattered to them, being busy wouldn't matter and they would sacrifice what little off time they had to schedule a short one. I almost told my cousin this, but thought better. I'm to tired to argue with him.
12:45 PM - September 25, 2017
The Cost Of Loving Things
I had Sage put to sleep today, and it hurts. I keep asking myself if I did the right thing, even if I know in my heart it was. I'm only partially numb, as I try to compartmentalize and mom keeps making me cry.
9:50 PM - September 22, 2017
"Devastation at last finally we meet
After all of these years out here on the street
I had a feeling you would make yourself known
You came along just to claim your place on the throne
And I have been overthrown
-Mockingbirds, Grant Lee Buffalo
8:58 PM - September 17, 2017
Things To Come
This is why I do not want to love things, this is why I do not want to care.
9:59 PM - September 16, 2017
Sage has thrown up for the 9th time in a row and almost fell. I took him in today and they think it might be an infection, goiter or food allergy. I have eight more days of mixing antibiotics into his water and I am already exhausted. He's even worse and I keep hoping he will get better, but I'm scared. Closer to the edge of a panic attack every time he heaves and shakes his head. Almost chokes. I can't afford to keep taking him in, and I'm afraid I will have to give him up, and hope people don't condemn me for it, for being this weak.
10:53 PM - September 15, 2017
My brother lent me the rest of the money i needed to take Sage in tomorrow. Standing outside waiting reminded me of Halloween, and the long walk home after trick or treating.
I had forgotten what the stars looked like, how beautiful the could be.
2:52 PM - September 13, 2017
What Hurts The Most
Even now I still want everyone to like me, and that's probably my greatest secret. The one I try to cover up most.
2:47 PM - September 13, 2017
All my edges have been brushed up, and even when patted down, they are in disarray.
8:11 PM - September 10, 2017
My anxiety is kicking in now, after I've said yes. This is why I do not go out normally. I do love the person I am going to the movie with though, and have been hoping to see the remake. I just wish it didn't cost me hours of pointless worrying.
11:32 PM - September 01, 2017
The Human Condition
Since aunty's been out of the hospital, K has become more like her old self. Not completely but someone i can stand, can look too. But then again, i have always liked the people who were suffering a lot more.
11:16 PM - September 01, 2017
When i look at my aunt now, all i see is desperation. Resentment. She spent years with an abusive, controlling man and now she's spiraling, just as she did before his heart attacks started. She's drinking like he did, and doing stupid things you would expect of a self-absorbed teenager in her off time, and treating others like shit as soon as the hard liquor touches her lips. Abandoning all the things that matter.
And despite my bouts of annoyance, my heart goes out to this woman. To the person she can be.
To the person she might day become again.
4:04 AM - August 30, 2017
Of Loss, And Losing
Tomorrow or the next day i'm gonna walk down to the vet and make an appointment for Sage. After that's he's went in i'm going to see if i can get him rehomed.
I love him, but there are so many things that could go wrong, are going wrong and i'm afraid of him dying, or getting hurt. I'm afraid of having to hear him scream. For me thats the worst part, i can handle losing someone but i don't want to be there when they do. I don't want to find the body.
Especially not now, not when i am a mess.
2:31 AM - August 30, 2017
Mom noticed the fridge isnt as cool as its supposed to be and now i'm worried it's going. I bought the appliance brand new for her less than 5 years ago, and most of the newer appliances last atleast 10. I dont think we'll get as lucky.
1:02 AM - August 26, 2017
Conversation with my nephew:
(Playing a video game, driving a car through a field)
My nephew: A farmers not gonna be happy.
Me: No, not when he wakes up in a morning.
(Seconds later) The aliens were doing donuts!
(He laughs, and looks at me funny)
Me: Well, thats where crop circles come from.
4:45 AM - August 24, 2017
Sometimes I hate my mother for not being the person I need when things go wrong. For arguing when I just need some empathy, and understanding, some thoughtfulness. For running away, when I need her to be there.
5:28 PM - August 18, 2017
The reason I struggle with people even more now is how hard it has become to read body language and facial expressions. I keep missing little things and they are coming back to haunt me hours later, weeks. I see the expressions and I cannot place them. I wonder, and I grieve.
12:23 AM - August 18, 2017
It's strange shopping with other people who claim to be struggling and still can afford the more expensive items, without having to cross others on their list out or skip them.
6:50 AM - August 03, 2017
Ceiling Repairs On A Budget
Between the gorilla tape and duct I hope it holds. I can't keep doing this.
4:17 AM - August 02, 2017
Sometimes I just need you to respond, no matter what I say.
3:17 AM - July 28, 2017
Ship To Wreck
Yesterday one of my cousins was talking about how he wished he could beat some sense into another someone, because he didn't agree with their choices or actions. How he considered paying someone.
It isn't an uncommon thought amongst my family, that they can punish someone or force someone to change this way.
It didn't work when my grandfather put my uncles head through the wall for raising a hand to his wife, and it won't now. All it leads to is anger and resentment and hurt, and pulls us all further apart.
And there are always other ways.
9:45 AM - July 27, 2017
I want to believe in people. That's the biggest difference between the person I was then, and now.
4:59 AM - July 27, 2017
Both of them think they are right and though I agree with my father, I try to fall in the middle and it somehow feels wrong.
I don't want to scare my nephew off and have him worry Aunty will die while he's there. I don't want to see the hesitation in his eyes.
But I don't want him blindsided either, even if i doubt it will happen.
4:47 AM - July 27, 2017
My brother bailed on us again today, and if it wasn't for my father showing up (the cabs were to busy, we didn't have the carts and I am unable to ask a stranger for a ride), we would of lost over $70 dollars worth of frozen stuff. He said he was sorry three hours later and i get it, and should know better than to rely on them by now, but I didn't reply back. I would say something rude.
Something I would of regretted.
4:38 AM - July 25, 2017
Bad Weeks Turn Into Months
The unease isn't getting any better. I feel like something is going to happen and it rattles me in ways i cannot describe. I keep grasping at familiar distractions and hoping they work, but nothing is helping.
4:54 PM - July 11, 2017
What i really want, i cannot bear to ask for.
4:31 PM - July 11, 2017
She isn't the type to think her promises through and i have to remember that.
4:23 PM - July 11, 2017
He's killing himself and is going to break her heart or end in a permanent care ward. It's just a matter of time.
10:24 AM - July 08, 2017
Nails Clicking On The Floor And All The Things That Annoy You.
The last few weeks there has been this voice asking," what are you going to do? What are you going to do?" And everytime i draw a blank.
7:25 AM - July 08, 2017
Black And White
Of all my siblings i had always thought i would be the first to marry. I was wrong. My eldest sister will exchange rings today with a wonderful man, someone she has loved for years. I think my brother will even attempt to make it a double wedding.
I am not going though a part of me wants too. I made some food and threw some cash in a wedding card, wishing them a long life.
Auntie has been in the hospital five days now, and hasn't eaten or drank anything. She is scared and restless and just wants to go home. Hopefully they actually do the surgery in
stead of fucking around. Thats the main reason mom didn't want to go, because aunty wouldn't be there.
Now we have the dogs and can't. It gets to hot to leave them, and isn't fair for Sage to be placed in my room where its worse while they wait for us.
8:47 PM - June 18, 2017
Growing up, i always wanted the relationship my siblings had with our father. The good and the bad. Apart of me still does, and the other half still can't forgive him.
I can't forgive either of them. I want to, but i feel like it's to late.
I feel like it's to late for alot of things.
7:41 PM - May 14, 2017
It's like some god awful country song that never ends.
7:03 PM - May 14, 2017
Mirrors have always brought me comfort, but I am having a harder and harder time meeting my own gaze. The smiles never meet my eyes anymore, and the faces I make look pained. Exhausted.
And the desperation, that is what kills me the most. The fact she is holding out for hope alone.
6:28 PM - May 14, 2017
Our place is falling apart, one piece after another and the expenses are piling up. I keep pretending things will be okay, but I'm honestly not sure anymore. I am thinking weeks ahead, months trying to make this work, but these patch jobs aren't gonna hold.
to haunt, to startle, and way-lay