3:48 AM - September 20, 2018
7:50 PM - September 17, 2018
Everything seems so fragile, and here I am trying to function as if nothing is wrong. And it's not working.
Still there is hope, as there always is and I am trying to take those last few terrifying steps, to reach it.
11:34 AM - September 12, 2018
We talked things out, and were the most honest we've been in years. I feel a lot better. More relieved.
I also saw Mrs. M, who is always there for me, even when I fail to recognize it. She, and her hubby (another person who always tries to support me, though it's hard to accept sometimes) are going to help me out again with a few of the things I've been struggling with. I hope it is enough.
It's difficult, being so scared all the time.
Having to worry about avoiding the things that set me off, and running for the bathroom, so the people in my life don't see how hard things are getting.
6:58 PM - September 09, 2018
And I know my issues stress you out, but your own actions often trigger mine, like right now. I feel like your trying to leave, but are to much of a coward to say goodbye. And I am too, because I haven't told you any of this either.
I am tired though, of feeling this way. Of putting effort into a friendship, when you can't even spare five to ten minutes for it once a week.
And it's not even asking a whole lot.
8:46 PM - August 22, 2018
And that i could happily spend the rest of my life naming nail polish colours.
2:09 PM - August 11, 2018
I keep asking myself this.
11:49 AM - July 28, 2018
I still love this person of course, as I do all the people I was once close to, but I don't have it in me to reach out to strangers anymore.
A few part of me, the scheming side wants to mention it to her mother though, ask if she's alright. Push the issue onto someone else, in hopes they will do something to help her. I probably won't though, because we hardly see that woman either and she's already on her own destructive path.
And things don't change that readily.
6:30 PM - July 09, 2018
7:53 PM - July 01, 2018
And I know this isn't healthy, and mostly my frustration talking, but it's how i currently feel.
5:45 PM - June 26, 2018
11:42 PM - May 28, 2018
7:21 PM - May 16, 2018
I can understand in an emergency, but they should really be taught to stay away from strangers homes, or unless the guardians know them. Maybe even be accompanied by an adult, before approaching someone like that. We have way to many predators out there, savvy enough to get away with rape, or worse for that behavior to be safe.
And our neighbor has also had problems with this child, and their sibling too. He is a widowed, older man who lives alone. They just walked into his home and tried to take things, because other people let them have things when they went to their homes or so one of the children said. The man hadn't even invited them in, his door had simply been unlocked.
6:21 PM - May 16, 2018
Maybe it's both.
But whatever my brother decides, I believe it is his choice. I will not judge him for it, as many of our family, and his friends undoubtedly will.
After all, to stop someone that bent on destruction, that unhappy is cruel.
And sometimes it better not to drag things out.
1:39 PM - May 07, 2018
And when K does try, it doesn't feel like enough.
And sometimes it honestly isn't, just well meaning platitudes. Other times it is, and they just don't see it.
I watch them struggle, and see what they fail too.
I told K years ago how to force them together, how to encourage it but she failed to heed me.
Soon it won't matter though, if I do decide to leave.
I have no problem watching the people i care for suffer, if it makes them better people. Stronger. This however, isn't doing any of them any favors.
They all just look so ridiculous, screaming, "this is what I want! This is what I want!"
Foot stomping included.
And I know, I can't keep faking the empathy I no longer feel.
1:18 AM - May 04, 2018
8:10 PM - May 03, 2018
12:37 PM - April 14, 2018
Sometimes though that just isn't enough.
And because of that here we are, once again, both suffering.
12:28 PM - April 14, 2018
Currently an anxious mess.
Most likely the same.
2:11 PM - April 06, 2018
I don't like interacting with strangers outside of compliments most days, and the person we could of rented from was one of those people I feel immediately dislike for, despite admiring their bluntness. I struggled through it, and now I've lost the bit of peace I had found today.
I hate this feeling. I hate the obsessing, and going through things I cannot change, over and over again.
That off balance feeling.
And most of all, I resent them for not understanding why I feel this way, for not understanding that I need to feel prepared.
11:32 PM - April 05, 2018
Walking home, he says, "I didn't see any cops today.
"There was one in the last store, when we were leaving. By the doors." I reply, "You didn't see him?
"You have good eyes."
(What can I say goes unsaid) I smile. "I like a man in uniform."
Nephew almost stops, and looks at me oddly. This is something I doubt he hears a lot, especially in our family.
Laughing about my own joke, and adding twenty seconds later, "You didn't expect me to say that did you?"
12:06 AM - March 16, 2018
Still, sometimes I get frustrated and vocal. And what I wrote there today I meant.
The best part was i seemed to strike a nerve with my cousin's husband. His addiction is currently playing havoc their finances, and relationship and his response showed that. But I think mine surprised him.
12:46 AM - February 26, 2018
1:57 AM - February 25, 2018
It got me thinking back to my youth, and the first time someone accused me of being gay. I was young and desperate not to fit in, but have friends. Real friends. I thought the world of this popular girl, who made it look so easy and I wanted to be her so badly. She even included me sometimes and tried to be nice. And as I am bound too, I stared a lot.
She and her friends tore into me pretty badly one day, and I remembering panicking and denying it. To this day, I can still remember how much it hurt and that feeling of betrayal. When I finally got away from them and was being sent home, I ended up breaking down between the glass windows alone.
It never made me question my sexual orientation though. That's only ever happened once, with someone I shared a close bond and i quickly realised while I could possibly love a woman, I would always have a preference for men.
Years later the same girl who bullied me would corner me again, and apologise for her behavior. And even now, I can't remember what was said because I was so frazzled. I have always regretted accepting it though. There were so many things i had wanted to say to her, so many things I had imagined.
And I never want anyone else to feel like that, because of my nephew and ignorance.
8:24 PM - February 18, 2018
I am trying to be more honest though, as that date draws closer. If you aren't here though, you probably won't hear them and I doubt it would matter if you did. By that time, things will be settled or they won't.
12:47 PM - February 16, 2018
Growing up, I struggled to learn to read and write, and even speak properly. I spent a lot of time in those special classes and worked hard to hide, how sometimes I still struggle over pronouncing a few words. That's probably why I grew to love the thesaurus. There are still days though, i avoid speaking in public because of this, even when I know them.
Could it just be getting worse as I age, or is it something more sinister? My grandmother on my father's side died from a brain tumour, and it's been on the back of my mind. I haven't been experiencing headaches worse than usual, so I'm probably being paranoid but sometimes i can't help but contemplate the possibility. (even if stastically the chances of it are low)
11:47 PM - February 13, 2018
3:04 AM - January 30, 2018
And I curse him for walking on the roof, and our damn luck.
9:18 PM - January 28, 2018
8:35 PM - January 17, 2018
They has always seen the best in me, encouraged me and I realise how lucky I am. I am not my sister, and ignorant of the chances I have been given, of the opportunities people have afforded me. But also like her, I am weak and a coward. I do not grasp onto them as I should.
I watch and set dates, and endure instead of taking the steps I need to move forward on my own.
I settle for misery.
And I try to convince myself otherwise.
7:53 PM - January 17, 2018
Acres of longing, mountains of tenderness"
- Landscape, Florence + The Machine