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5:46 AM - February 06, 2023
This Is Pain
It took me years to feel loved.

2:53 PM - September 20, 2022
The Silent Screaming
And what they don't realize is i'm grasping at straws.

3:46 PM - September 10, 2022
I don't believe in telling people that are dying that they can go, no matter how much my cousin's friend says it helps or what my cousin believes. I always thought it rude to rush the dying, as it's inevitable. It's going to happen, you dont need to keep reminding them.

And I see how hard we cling to life, how we should be talking about memories and to each other, and just being there in those final moments.

Today I left aunties side though, because I felt we were not wanted by her daughter. But i had said I'd be back. And though we may not meet again in this life, if she doesn't make it through the night. I know that eventually I will join her, and the others that have passed before us. And maybe in heaven or another life, feeling de ja vu as we pass. And it will be enough.

1:58 PM - September 04, 2022
She's not even dead yet, and I am grieving.

1:11 AM - March 20, 2022
I remember being angry all the time when I was a teen, full of resentment and hurt. Unhelpful hormones. And it took years, and someone I adore saying I had every right to be, to really put a dent in it. To let go of what I was holding on so tightly to.

Now I see so many, still holding onto it, and while I respect their right to hold it. To burn. I wish they understood, it's okay to feel that way. That there are others who understand.

That it's also possible to live, without your hands constantly in fists too. That you do not have to hold onto it forever. That there is relief, expressing it and just not in taking it out on others, in making others feel it. Because that often harms you both, and there are other, more forgiving ways to express it. Better revenges.

And most of all, I hope you find your hands free, and loose one day. That those angry days, don't last.

2:32 PM - December 03, 2021
I'm still struggling with my anxiety. At one point I was numb to everything, and my head was silent, which had me finally understanding how some people are so thoughtless and ignorant. Yet my family complained I was a zombie, and about my weight gain because of my medication. Now it's been changed, and i'm hoping I can reach that okay state again.

I'm not really hopeful though, and am considering dying again. The romantic in me always arriving close to my birthday.

I want to live, but on the coarse I'm on, I always wonder if it's worth it.

7:28 PM - July 14, 2021
It's been a long time since I last wrote here, felt the need too. Many things have happened. Changed.

I have a new friend, my brother has lost his leg and is letting his wife live in his shed, with her new boyfriend. My cousin is now on insulin. My aunt still has cancer. My niece and nephew are giants, compared to me. I'm off my anxiety medication, and am feeling it. That's mostly why I'm here.

I'm worried about how everything will turn out, or if I'll end up sleeping the rest of my time away.

If things will get steady again.

I know they probably will, but all this irrational fear gets to me.

And I feel a little better, being here.

Rambling. Trying to avoid the scary things.


to haunt, to startle, and way-lay

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