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3:48 AM - September 20, 2018
Habitual Offenders
The boy who I told you about so many years ago, the one who was sweeter than me, has been charged with so many things (far more than the papers reveal), I doubt he'll get less than 10 years. His girlfriend is also supposed to be pregnant at seventeen, and on meth. I'm not sure what's going through his mind or of the full truth, but many of our family members think he will eventually end up killing himself, like the couple from the bar did when they got caught.

7:50 PM - September 17, 2018
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My body half off the roof, and a good seven inches away from the top of the ladder, i try not to think of it's frame balanced precariously on stacks of wood and a decaying deck.

Everything seems so fragile, and here I am trying to function as if nothing is wrong. And it's not working.

Still there is hope, as there always is and I am trying to take those last few terrifying steps, to reach it.

11:34 AM - September 12, 2018
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I caved, and messaged them.

We talked things out, and were the most honest we've been in years. I feel a lot better. More relieved.

I also saw Mrs. M, who is always there for me, even when I fail to recognize it. She, and her hubby (another person who always tries to support me, though it's hard to accept sometimes) are going to help me out again with a few of the things I've been struggling with. I hope it is enough.

It's difficult, being so scared all the time.

Having to worry about avoiding the things that set me off, and running for the bathroom, so the people in my life don't see how hard things are getting.

6:58 PM - September 09, 2018
Patience And How It Ends
You're to busy, yet you always seem to be able to make time to reply to other people and make plans. Then you apologize for being a shitty friend, and fall back into the same routines. And despite what it feels like when we are together, I feel like it isn't enough.

And I know my issues stress you out, but your own actions often trigger mine, like right now. I feel like your trying to leave, but are to much of a coward to say goodbye. And I am too, because I haven't told you any of this either.

I am tired though, of feeling this way. Of putting effort into a friendship, when you can't even spare five to ten minutes for it once a week.

And it's not even asking a whole lot.

8:46 PM - August 22, 2018
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Months ago my nephew told me i was strange when i named the artwork on my nails two zebras under a cloudy sky. Yesterday i told my cousin my left hand was inspired by retro colors and the right, pink lemonade. It just occured to me, that many people may not actually do this.

And that i could happily spend the rest of my life naming nail polish colours.

2:09 PM - August 11, 2018
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Does it really matter if i go in, or make the appointment if it won't matter in a few months?

I keep asking myself this.


11:49 AM - July 28, 2018
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One of my cousins is starting to look like my sister when her addiction started to consume her, or when my brother stopped taking care of himself. Started wallowing and losing weight like mad. His face growing gaunt, and hollow.

I still love this person of course, as I do all the people I was once close to, but I don't have it in me to reach out to strangers anymore.

A few part of me, the scheming side wants to mention it to her mother though, ask if she's alright. Push the issue onto someone else, in hopes they will do something to help her. I probably won't though, because we hardly see that woman either and she's already on her own destructive path.

And things don't change that readily.

6:30 PM - July 09, 2018
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Sometimes I wonder if you still read this, and are trying to make it easier on yourself, by leaving first. I know you have enough to deal with right now.

7:53 PM - July 01, 2018
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Interacting with people gets harder with each passing day, and I'm trying, but I'm on the verge of saying fuck it all. They are not worth it.

And I know this isn't healthy, and mostly my frustration talking, but it's how i currently feel.

5:45 PM - June 26, 2018
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I'm the foam spreading upwards, threatening to slip over the top of the pot. The heat beneath me just a little to hot. And no one who seems to be watching, actually sees this happening.

11:42 PM - May 28, 2018
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Sometimes it not okay, despite what I tell you.

7:21 PM - May 16, 2018
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Mom had to tell a young child to get earlier when they came into the yard and announced they were going to steal one of our artificial flowers, becuase they wanted it. She then told them in that grumpy voice to not go into other peoples yards and they took off.

I can understand in an emergency, but they should really be taught to stay away from strangers homes, or unless the guardians know them. Maybe even be accompanied by an adult, before approaching someone like that. We have way to many predators out there, savvy enough to get away with rape, or worse for that behavior to be safe.

And our neighbor has also had problems with this child, and their sibling too. He is a widowed, older man who lives alone. They just walked into his home and tried to take things, because other people let them have things when they went to their homes or so one of the children said. The man hadn't even invited them in, his door had simply been unlocked.

6:21 PM - May 16, 2018
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A part of me wonders of my brother still is truly mourning his son. He posts often about wanting to join the child and I cannot decide if it is because the man is unable to move past that horrific experience, or if he is terrified of getting close to people now. Unable to form bonds as he once did, to give himself fully and languishes for it.

Maybe it's both.

But whatever my brother decides, I believe it is his choice. I will not judge him for it, as many of our family, and his friends undoubtedly will.

After all, to stop someone that bent on destruction, that unhappy is cruel.

And sometimes it better not to drag things out.

1:39 PM - May 07, 2018
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He doesn't try, not really, and that is what K fails to recognize. Aunty did for awhile, but now she feels she is always pushed out, used to fit to his whims, to K's and now is to angry. All the things she does, feel overlooked.

And when K does try, it doesn't feel like enough.

And sometimes it honestly isn't, just well meaning platitudes. Other times it is, and they just don't see it.

I watch them struggle, and see what they fail too.

I told K years ago how to force them together, how to encourage it but she failed to heed me.

Soon it won't matter though, if I do decide to leave.

I have no problem watching the people i care for suffer, if it makes them better people. Stronger. This however, isn't doing any of them any favors.

They all just look so ridiculous, screaming, "this is what I want! This is what I want!"

Foot stomping included.

And I know, I can't keep faking the empathy I no longer feel.

1:18 AM - May 04, 2018
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Sometimes i just think I'm a gluten for punishment. Forcing myself to move forward, and knowing I will regret every step, or nearly every one.

8:10 PM - May 03, 2018
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It's when I get home, and everything has been said and done that it gets to me. I try to stay busy, but the thoughts still interrupt, circle back. Gnaw away at my already exposed nerves.

12:37 PM - April 14, 2018
Dark, Crimson Roses
I've told you before, comforting people has never been one of my strengths. I can come across as patronizing, or end up saying to much. I mean well though, I do. I have a heart, that far out shines my mothers. That far outshines many in my family.

Sometimes though that just isn't enough.

And because of that here we are, once again, both suffering.

12:28 PM - April 14, 2018
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Status?

Currently an anxious mess.

Tomorrow's status?

Most likely the same.

2:11 PM - April 06, 2018
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The first words out of moms mouth to anyone, is to complain about the house. It drives me crazy, and when a family friend heard, who had offered us a ride earlier they ended up putting us in a situation I felt uncomfortable with.

I don't like interacting with strangers outside of compliments most days, and the person we could of rented from was one of those people I feel immediately dislike for, despite admiring their bluntness. I struggled through it, and now I've lost the bit of peace I had found today.

I hate this feeling. I hate the obsessing, and going through things I cannot change, over and over again.

That off balance feeling.

And most of all, I resent them for not understanding why I feel this way, for not understanding that I need to feel prepared.

11:32 PM - April 05, 2018
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Snippet of my conversation with my nephew

Walking home, he says, "I didn't see any cops today.

"There was one in the last store, when we were leaving. By the doors." I reply, "You didn't see him?

"You have good eyes."

(What can I say goes unsaid) I smile. "I like a man in uniform."

Nephew almost stops, and looks at me oddly. This is something I doubt he hears a lot, especially in our family.

Laughing about my own joke, and adding twenty seconds later, "You didn't expect me to say that did you?"

12:06 AM - March 16, 2018
Petty Victories
Lately I've just felt like fighting with people, but i haven't because nearly every day I do my damnedest to be reasonable.

Still, sometimes I get frustrated and vocal. And what I wrote there today I meant.

The best part was i seemed to strike a nerve with my cousin's husband. His addiction is currently playing havoc their finances, and relationship and his response showed that. But I think mine surprised him.

12:46 AM - February 26, 2018

I don't care if you say you have no use for her, and don't like her. That doesn't matter. To say your not going if she is, is ridiculous. The woman was her god damn mother.

1:57 AM - February 25, 2018
Gullies
My nephew has that attitude towards homosexuality that I hate, and is common in our family. I try to remind him, and tell him that many people are a lot less straight than they pretend, and more fall onto a spectrum.

It got me thinking back to my youth, and the first time someone accused me of being gay. I was young and desperate not to fit in, but have friends. Real friends. I thought the world of this popular girl, who made it look so easy and I wanted to be her so badly. She even included me sometimes and tried to be nice. And as I am bound too, I stared a lot.

She and her friends tore into me pretty badly one day, and I remembering panicking and denying it. To this day, I can still remember how much it hurt and that feeling of betrayal. When I finally got away from them and was being sent home, I ended up breaking down between the glass windows alone.

It never made me question my sexual orientation though. That's only ever happened once, with someone I shared a close bond and i quickly realised while I could possibly love a woman, I would always have a preference for men.

Years later the same girl who bullied me would corner me again, and apologise for her behavior. And even now, I can't remember what was said because I was so frazzled. I have always regretted accepting it though. There were so many things i had wanted to say to her, so many things I had imagined.

And I never want anyone else to feel like that, because of my nephew and ignorance.

8:24 PM - February 18, 2018
Lady's Seal
It would be so much easier if I had someone walking me through this, but I don't and so I get frustrated, throw my arms up and head for the exit. You don't realise this of coarse, because I rarely let any one close enough to see what's really going on in my life. And I don't say the things I need too, to those who are.

I am trying to be more honest though, as that date draws closer. If you aren't here though, you probably won't hear them and I doubt it would matter if you did. By that time, things will be settled or they won't.

12:47 PM - February 16, 2018
Schlehe
So I haven't told anyone else yet, but some of my friends have probably noticed my spelling has gotten worse over the last year and a half. Most of the time I manage to catch the worst of the mistakes, but not all. I am also stumbling over words more often, mixing them up and today, as I was sorting through my pile of secondhand cooking magazines I noticed I had boughten the same one three times in the last couple of months. That has never happened to me before.

Growing up, I struggled to learn to read and write, and even speak properly. I spent a lot of time in those special classes and worked hard to hide, how sometimes I still struggle over pronouncing a few words. That's probably why I grew to love the thesaurus. There are still days though, i avoid speaking in public because of this, even when I know them.

Could it just be getting worse as I age, or is it something more sinister? My grandmother on my father's side died from a brain tumour, and it's been on the back of my mind. I haven't been experiencing headaches worse than usual, so I'm probably being paranoid but sometimes i can't help but contemplate the possibility. (even if stastically the chances of it are low)

11:47 PM - February 13, 2018
Shepherd's Crook
We were always romantics, weren't we?

3:04 AM - January 30, 2018
Broken Seams
I used to love the thaw, the breaking of ice and the sound of water pitting itself against the earth. Now I just dread it as the roof draws closer to floor. The wind murmering, as it brushes past the broken window frame. The plastic billowing. Almost breathing, like the other wall that has been damaged.

And I curse him for walking on the roof, and our damn luck.

9:18 PM - January 28, 2018
Days Gone By
Twenty-seven years have passed since I was born, and today I am celebrating the day as if it was any other.

8:35 PM - January 17, 2018
Aloe
I've been angry lately about always having to be the first one to reach out, to contact others and when Mrs.M messaged me the other day, all the wind was ripped out of my sails. I was terrified of going out, of getting more attached and having her husband in the background, looking at me with disappointment so I said no.

They has always seen the best in me, encouraged me and I realise how lucky I am. I am not my sister, and ignorant of the chances I have been given, of the opportunities people have afforded me. But also like her, I am weak and a coward. I do not grasp onto them as I should.

I watch and set dates, and endure instead of taking the steps I need to move forward on my own.

I settle for misery.

And I try to convince myself otherwise.


7:53 PM - January 17, 2018
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"She can't see the landscape anymore
It's all painted in her grief
All of her history etched out at her feet

Now all of the landscape, it's just an empty place
Acres of longing, mountains of tenderness"
- Landscape, Florence + The Machine

 

to haunt, to startle, and way-lay

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