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2:35 AM - February 16, 2015
Duck Duck Semi
When I die, just put me in the ground and go home. That's all I ask. I don't want all the bullshit a funeral stirs up in my family.
9:58 PM - February 02, 2015
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How do I feel loyalty to a woman I can't stand?
9:48 PM - February 02, 2015
Want Of Understanding
The reason I feel guilt for experiencing any emotion is your fault. It's what the fuck is wrong with you when I am visably upset, and when I snap back at you for bitching at me all day, it's suddenly wrong. How am I supposed to live like this?
3:03 PM - January 28, 2015
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Twenty-four years have passed since I was born.
11:23 AM - January 21, 2015
Buttered Bread
It's hard to respect a parent who throws more tantrums then you ever did.
3:36 AM - January 21, 2015
Rage Quit
I can't sleep. I keep going over what I want to say to you, because it needs to hurt. It needs to hit home and make you question yourself, like I always do to myself. But the reality is, I will probably never say it because I can't stand putting myself in the way of an emotional response. I need to though, even if it's just here though.
Dear K,
Did you really make your mom ask your husband to come along on the car trip, and then let him complain that you guys need to spend more time alone? You stay up late every night, have lunch every work day and have almost a whole fucking summer alone when Aunty stays with us. Do a fucking date night, and better yet tell him not to pass out at six and actually spend some time with you.
You promised Uncle that you would take care of Aunty on his dying bed, and now she's your responsibility. She's never been alone up until you decided to date this jackass. Your husband should of realised that when he married into the family. The only time you do anything together is at the bar or when shopping. Sitting in the same room not talking and being completely absorbed in two different
games does not count.
You complain about his drinking and her gambling, but you enable them. You are at one bar or another as soon as you're off work, and almost every night. I would say you also have a bit of a gambling problem as well. I don't understand you. I don't understand how you can be so blind.
You don't get to be selfish anymore. You're going to regret this when she dies.
6:13 PM - January 16, 2015
Sweater Vest
The truth is I've gotten to used to things coming to easily, to falling into my lap. Any real struggle and I lose interest. I can endure suffering, but not disappointment, my own or theirs.
11:06 PM - December 31, 2014
The Canary's Song
My brother missed out on the constant criticism and the threats, so he'll never see our mother the way I do. He won't see that the abuse wasn't one-sided, and how much she really fucked me up. She never held him so tightly he could never feel free. How when she tried, he left. I never knew how too, so I fought and thrashed. I told her off last week and i'm feeling a bit better, but the bitterness, well it never goes away. How does a bird fly without wings?
8:31 PM - December 20, 2014
Embrace And Strangle
Christmas time brings out the worse in me.
5:42 PM - December 16, 2014
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My anxiety doesn't turn up in crowded places or meeting people in person, it's over the phone and having to knock on doors or contact people.
12:27 AM - December 15, 2014
Empty Gestures
I'm just sick of having to be grateful because it's something you're expecting. You do not immediately deserve it because you have done something for me, because you think you have. It has to resonate or have meaning. Give it some fucking thought. Stop making empty gestures and making it about what you have done, think about what you haven't.
10:30 PM - December 14, 2014
Bravais Lattice
"Love is no excuse," Miss Claudette, Orange Is The New Black
10:05 PM - December 14, 2014
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The counselor considered it, believed it. And even if it was only but a moment, it counted. Sometimes the person I see in the mirror is a monster, sometimes I even miss her when she's gone. She's the only part of me that feels invincible, like I can survive this, like I can survive you.
12:16 PM - December 09, 2014
Spring Caroline
Sometimes the anger isn't enough to cover the disappointment and all I do is cry. The things that shouldn't matter still do.
1:04 AM - November 29, 2014
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Just once, I want someone else to put me first without thinking.
5:22 PM - November 28, 2014
Absolution
I'm angry, and I have a right to be.
1:32 PM - November 04, 2014
Retribution
We do what is expected, but not out of the kindness of our hearts.
3:37 PM - November 03, 2014
Blood In The Roses
For the first time in years I've had a nightmare. I even woke up to escape it, which is strange. Normally I have an easy time taking control, I've had enough practice.
7:12 PM - October 30, 2014
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If all I am in your life is an afterthought, then you don't deserve another thought. It's that simple. I don't need people like you in my life, I have enough regrets already.
4:52 PM - October 20, 2014
Autumn
The wind bothers me in a way it never did before. I see the effects, and refuse to go outside. If I avoid it, my feathers will remain unruffled.
4:15 PM - October 20, 2014
Tamarisk
I have this fucked up over developed sense of responsibility, and more often that not is one of the major causes of my anxiety. I feel guilt over everything, and constantly question myself as well as other people. I think it's killing me, one mistake/mispoken word at a time.
4:45 PM - September 26, 2014
Proof
It wouldn't change anything, no matter what I say, but I would feel a whole lot fucking better. Let them taste the bitterness for awhile.
8:50 PM - September 25, 2014
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You're right, everything I'm afraid of has already happened. That's why I don't want to relive it, why I worry. I'm not the type to face my problems head on. I take every other angle first and avoid the most obvious, because that's what is expected.
8:50 PM - September 25, 2014
Jello Molds
Opening a bistro in the 1950s would require time travel brain, stop obsessing over old recipes and a life you could never handle. A life even then, you could not afford.
11:23 PM - September 09, 2014
Grande Dame
Have I ever told you that I once dragged a guy by his spiked collar and leash through the world's largest mall for over an hour?
It doesn't matter that he was gay and found no joy in it because I was female, but because I did. I was just trying to laugh about how much, and the embarrassment I felt (the burning cheeks), but I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
Thrilling, but not what turns me on. I would make a decent domme, but not what most society would first picture. I am a plus size, pear shaped woman, often proud of it, but I don't know lot of men who would like to see me in tight leather. I have a Mona Lisa smile, arrogant tilt of the head and a lovely face.
It would be an interesting business, and it's their fantasies that really matter, complete with having to focus on what they want. I'm just afraid I would not get a lot of business.
10:26 PM - August 27, 2014
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I see the potential in you, in almost every one I see. I want more for you than to be happy, but to pass that joy on as well. The newer generations annoy me because of this, and how we have faltered as people.
6:11 PM - August 26, 2014
Sum Of Your Parts
For all my hope, I have very little of it invested in people. I have rules, rules of attachment and rules for dealing with them. I have all these things that bind me, and halt my thoughtless words and actions. I am a vicious thing at heart. There are good people, people you didn't expect to meet, people worth dying for, and some worth living for. Just hoping for them is wasted effort.
5:21 PM - August 26, 2014
Ravine
Ignorance is not bliss, and I hate being blindsided by unknown costs.
1:07 AM - August 19, 2014
Unfinished Business
I came across that story for a reason and now I continually rework it, though I will never be a novelist. It is the one things I have thrown my whole heart into, and I cannot ever let go of scenes. It will remain incomplete forever.
12:42 AM - August 19, 2014
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Sometimes your pride is all you have left.
to haunt, to startle, and way-lay
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